My Cats

I don't usually feel like writing about my cats but feel like it today.

Today was "trip to the vet" day for our two furballs - Pandora & Finnegan. They tend to get a bit upset about this trip so I figured I had a the perfect solution.

While they were out and about doing whatever cats do when out of sight I quietly got the cat carriers down from the shelf and went to get ready myself. My plan called for my totally unsuspecting cats to be easily gathered up one by one and put in their respective carriers thus avoiding the usual drama.

Well, once ready myself I started to look for the cats to carry out my perfect plan. Panda was acting a bit strangely and Finnegan was no where to be seen. My plan was falling apart but why? Where was my mistake?

Panda ran into our bedroom and was caught - one down and none to go. I began the room by room search for Finigin. Finally she was discovered cowering up on a high shelf with only her ears visible. I now had to go to the garage and get my ladder. Then it was grab the cat, give her to Cindy, put the ladder away and go to the vet.

I wonder how those two knew what was going on!

When we got back they both shot out of their carriers and went about their business - Finigin to hide and Panda to curl up on the coach.

The whole experience reminds me of an old joke titled:

"How to Pill a Cat"

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Again, cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10,

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from yard.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into cat's mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rod, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair shredded curtains. Carefully sweep figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing together later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force open mouth with pencil and blpw down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans. Drink one beer to take away taste. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water an soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard,Close door on its neck. Leave head showing. Force mouth open with teaspoon and shoot pill down throat with rubber band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour stiff shot and drink. Apply cold compress to sratched cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek for disinfect. Toss down another shot. Throw shredded, whiskey-soaked t-shirt away and fetch another one from bedroom.

12. Call firedepartment to retrieve cat from across road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little bastrd's front paws to rear paws with fishing line and bind tightly to leg of dining room table. Find heavy pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by piece of filet mignon steak. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wah pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch . Get spouse to drive you to local emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stiches fingers, forearm and removes pill remnants and cat hair from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Call ASPCA to come collect mutant cat feom hell and call local pet shop to see if they have hamsters.

How to Give a Dog a Pill

1. Wrap it in cheese or bacon.